Once – Chapter 2

Wakefulness claimed her slowly.  Her body felt heavy, weighted down, she squirmed a little in an attempt to roll over, but she couldn’t.  Something – no, someone – was pinning her to the mattress.  She awoke with a start and squinted against the beams of morning light shining from behind the blinds at her window.   And then it all came back in a rush.

The weight on her chest was warm, and slightly damp.  She looked down at Severus, and sighed with relief that he had not tried to sneak out before she had awakened.  The fact that he was still sleeping made her happier still.  She could not imagine what he would feel when he opened his eyes and the brutal reality of the night before rushed back on him.

She had to use the loo, but didn’t want to move for fear of waking him.  His breath wafted gently over her chest, and her skin felt damp.  He must have drooled on her while he slept.  She smiled.  He would no doubt be mortified to discover it…  Come to think about it, he would probably be mortified just to discover himself here with her.

She was still trying to understand just why he had come to her.  His assertion the night before that his current friends really weren’t the type one would want around when faced with something as traumatic as your mother’s death made complete sense, but why her?  There were other softer hearted souls in his current circle - Regulus Black, or Narcissa Malfoy, possibly.  True they weren’t all rainbows and sunshine.  They had their own special brand of compassion, but she wasn’t perfect either.  Far from it in fact, and she was the one who had refused to forgive him when he had begged her oh so long ago.  He should hate her.  She had thought he did.  Perhaps she had been wrong.

A soft brushing at her window and a piteous mewing alerted her to the fact that Mittens had been forced to spend the night outdoors, and she really should get up and let him in.  As carefully as she could, she slipped from under the weight of Severus’ body, and lowered his head gently to the mattress before getting up, and scrounging about for her knickers and vest.  She slipped into them quickly, and then pulled back the curtains and opened the window to let the cat in.  He leapt from the sill to the bed, and she snatched him up before he could walk all over Severus, and deposited him in the hall, shutting the door behind her on the way to the loo.

Sitting down on the toilet she buried her head in her hands.  She would need to go with him today, to help him clean up the bath, and she hated blood, it had been hard enough just with his shirt, and if what she had seen when she had touched him the night before was accurate, there was a lot more back at his house…  Her stomach churned at the very thought, and she swallow hard, trying to force back the nausea.  She couldn’t.  She had to be strong for him.  Who else did he have?  And that was when the full impact of just how alone he was truly hit her.  

As weary, and cold, and brusque as she had been, at least his mother had loved him.  She didn’t know how she knew that, but she did.  There had just been something in the way she had looked at him.  And he had loved her too, and now she was gone.  What would he do?  She worried for him.

She returned to her room and stood outside the closed door with her head pressed against it.  He would try to push her away again, of that she was certain, but she must do her best to not let him.  He needed someone, and…and until she had awakened with him beside her, she hadn’t realized how badly she had missed him.  With a sigh, she slowly pushed the door open, and then stopped with shock.  

Severus was standing beside the bed, hopping into his jeans.  They were still damp, and she had no idea how he could bear to put them on.  “Severus, I can lend you something of my dad’s.  Those are still wet, aren’t they?”

He looked over his shoulder, his hair hanging down over his eyes.  “I have to go.”

“Where?”

“Home.”

“Well wait a minute and I’ll come with you.  I meant what I said last night.  You shouldn’t have to…”

“No, I’ll be fine.  You…you don’t need to come.  I don’t want you to come, okay.  I’m sorry.”

She shook her head.  “But…last night?  I thought that…”

“Last night was a mistake.  Just…just forget I was ever here.”  And then he was crawling out the window and into the tree.  She rushed to the window and looked down, as he clamored down the trunk and then ran across the lawn and disappeared behind the hedges at the end of the garden.

She had no intention of letting him handle that mess himself.  Moving back to the bath she picked up the bloodstained shirt out of the tub, dumped it in the bin beside the toilet, and then, twisting up her hair in a tight knot, went into her room and changed into a pair of her oldest cut-offs and an old paint stained T-shirt she had ruined while painting the sitting room with her father the year before.

She dumped the bag with the bloody shirt into the bin beside the house and then headed to the river herself.  The air was still cool from the rain the night before even though it was nearly noon, and she wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to keep warm.  The chill in the air made her hurry her pace and she arrived at Spinner’s End much more quickly than she had anticipated.

She wondered if she should knock or just walk in.  It would only be Severus, and she had a feeling that if she knocked he would just refuse to answer.  She went around to the back and opened the door to the kitchen slowly, peaking her head into the kitchen.  “Severus?”

There was no reply.  It was possible he hadn’t returned home at all, but she didn’t think that he would have gone out without locking the door.  Of course, with the state he had been in the night before, it wouldn’t have been all that surprising.  She took a tentative step inside the door and called his name again, but there was still no response.

A quick perusal of the kitchen and sitting room on the first floor revealed nothing, and she moved on to the upper floor.  The minute she reached the top of the stairs she saw him.  She knew he must have heard her coming up the stairs, but he didn’t look up from where he sat with his back pressed up against the closed door to the bath.

“Severus?”

“I told you it was a mistake.”  His voice was low.  He sounded tired, and terribly old.

“And I heard you, but that still doesn’t mean that I can’t help.”

“Go away, Lily.”

He was shivering again, having walked all the way home from her house in only a damp pair of jeans.  He was going to get sick.  “Go change into something dry.  I’ll go down and get the mop and the bleach.”

“I said, go away,” he repeated.

She chose to ignore it.  “I’ll tackle the bath.  Once you change, you go and see what your Mum has in her closet.  Every woman has something nice, even if it’s packed in moth balls.”

She watched his hands ball up in the fabric of his jeans as she spoke, until his knuckles were white.  “I SAID GO AWAY!”  he suddenly shouted.

She started a little, feeling tears coming to her eyes, but she stood her ground.  “NO!  No, I…I won’t…”  Her voice broke and she wiped hurriedly at the tears as they escaped her eyes to run down her flushed cheeks.  “I won’t, Severus.  I’m not going to leave you to do this on your own.”

“I don’t want you here!” he shouted back.  

“Well then who is going to be here, Severus?  Tell me that!”

“I don’t need you, Lily!  I…I don’t need anyone!”

“Yes, you do!”

“No…” his voice broke.  “No, I don’t…”  He looked quickly away, but she had seen the tears in his eyes.

“Yes, you do…” she whispered.  “Severus, please.  Just let me help.  I…I only want to help.”

He sat in silence for a moment, staring down at his hands, and when he finally lifted his eyes to hers again, they were sad, but any trace of tears was gone.  “Why?” he asked wearily.

“Because…because you’re my friend and I…”  She paused and looked away at the yellowed wallpaper lining the wall beside her.  “Please,” she finally begged.  “Please, just let me help you.”

His eyes held hers for just a moment and then broke away.  “Blood makes you sick, remember.  I’ll handle the bath.  You find something for her to wear.  I’d probably only end up picking something she hated.”

“How about if we both handle the bath – together - and then we can both find something for her to wear?” she suggested.  She saw something that looked like relief wash over him.  

He nodded.  “Okay.”

“Go change.  I’ll get the mop and things.”

By the time she found everything she thought they’d need and returned to the top of the stairs he was already standing in front of the door to the bathroom, his hand on the nob.  She came to stand beside him, noticing that he hadn’t changed at all, and when he still didn’t move, she reached out and took his free hand, squeezing it softly.  “You didn’t want to change?”

“Why ruin something else?” she stated blankly.  He paused a moment more, and then slowly turned the nob.  The room was cramped, more of a large closet, really, with a single tiny window above a small tub and a table with a basin on it - nothing more.  The tub was still filled with reddish brown water, and the yellowing linoleum on the floor was dark red with pools of congealing blood, smeared here and there with the footprints that she assumed were either Severus’ or those of the men who had come in the ambulance.

She felt her head go light as tiny flashes of color began to pop in front of her eyes.  She couldn’t faint.  He needed her.  She took a deep, slow breath, and felt his fingers tighten around hers.  “Are you okay?”  

She nodded.  “Yeah…yeah, I’m okay.”  She turned too look at him.  He was staring down at the tub.  “Are you okay?”

He nodded.  “Let’s just get started, alright.”

It took them nearly two hours to clean the room.  There was no running water on the top floor, and so every time she needed to refill the bucket she had to take it down to the kitchen.  Halfway through the process she suddenly realized that they could have used magic.  They were both of age, and they could have been done with it in a minute or two, but Severus didn’t say anything, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he needed this.  She continued scrubbing out the tub and said nothing.

By the time they finished, as nauseous as she felt, she knew that they should eat.  She hadn’t had a thing since early the night before, and god knew how long it had been since Severus had eaten.  He looked pale, and exhausted, and as though he could desperately use a shower.  She would take him back to her place if he would let her.  He could have a good proper wash then without having to go back into that room, and she could make him something decent to eat.

She washed her hands in the kitchen sink and stared out the window at him smoking in the back garden.  He’d finally changed into something dry, but he still looked drawn and pale.  He probably needed to sleep again too.  She’d pack him a bag, and then tell him when he got in.

His room was a mess, with clothes tossed everywhere, and books teetering in precarious piles on almost every available surface.  She picked one up of the pile on his desk and then dropped it again at the sight of the title.  There were more like it by the side of his bed, too – all tomes on dark magic.  She tried to ignore them and snatched up a satchel that was half poking out from under the bed, and began to pack it with things from his closet.

The books were a rude awakening.  A reminder to not forget what he was becoming, what he may already become.  She had been relieved the night before when she had noted that his left forearm remained clear of the dark mark.  But that was where he was headed, was it not?  And if Severus wanted something bad enough, then there was no one or nothing that could stop him.  He hadn’t been sorted into Slytherin for nothing.

She folded a last pair of trousers into the bag and then went to the worn dresser against the far wall for underpants and socks.  She pulled open the first drawer, but there were only t-shirts.  The second had graying socks tucked into small balls.  She grabbed two pair and tossed them across the room into the satchel.  The third drawer was empty except for a single blanket folded neatly.  She moved to slide the drawer shut, but stopped.  Poking out from beneath the blanket was what looked to be the corner of a cigar box.

When she and Severus had been children they had collected small treasures in boxes just like that, which her father had given them.  She pulled this one out.  It was her father’s brand, and she couldn’t help but wonder if it was the same collection he had started as a child.  She shouldn’t pry through his things, but a flood of nostalgia rushed over her and she couldn’t help herself.  Slowly opening the lid she glanced inside.

There were many photos right on the top, and she instantly noticed that some of them had been taken as recently as fifth year.  She pulled them out and laid them on the floor beside her.  Beneath that were feathers, smooth, dark stones, tiny snail’s shells, all the things they had collected as children.  There was even a small, square paper napkin with a dark purple lip print stained onto it.  She remembered drinking grape juice in her back garden with him one day in the summer between first and second year and laughing at how it stained her lips and tongue.  She had kissed the napkin, transferring the purple print there and then handed it to him, telling him that now he could tell people she had given him a kiss.  He had wrinkled up his nose and she had just laughed.  She couldn’t believe he had kept it all those years.

In the very bottom, folded very small, and tucked into the far right corner, was a piece of parchment that looked like a note or letter.  It had been folded again and again until it was only a small square.  She picked it up and weighed it in her hand, and then flipped it over.  It had her name written on it.  ‘Lily’ in Severus’ scrawling hand.  Her heart stopped.  If it was tucked so far in the bottom of the box, then it was obviously something he didn’t want anyone seeing…but it did have her name on it.

“What are you doing?”  She spun around, instinctively shoving the small piece of paper in her pocket.  Severus stood in the doorway scowling down at her, his eyes dark.

“I…I’m sorry, Severus.  I was just looking for your underpants and I…”

That obviously had not been the right thing to say either.  He flushed furiously.

“I…I just mean that I was packing you a bag to come to my place and I…”

“I’m not going back to your place!” he spat.  He strode over to her side, snatched the photos off the floor beside her, slammed them down into the box and then tore it out of her hand slamming the lid.  “This,” he said shoving it under her nose, “is not yours to go through!”

“It…it was just pictures, Severus, and our treasure collection from when we were children.  I hardly think…”

“I want you to go.”

“I want you to come home with me.  You need to bathe, to get some sleep, something to eat.  It’s not good for you to be here right now.  Come to my house, please Severus.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No!”
“Stop yelling at me!” she suddenly snapped back.  “Just…just stop yelling, okay.  Just stop…”

His mouth clamped shut as his chest rose and fell with the intensity of his emotion.  His eyes were burning into her like they had the night before, and she could feel her body starting to respond just as it had then.  She took a deep breath and then let it out as a sigh.  “Can I ask you something?” she suddenly asked.

He swallowed.  “What?” he barked, but not quite as angrily before, and at least he wasn’t shouting.

“Do you hate me?”

His eyes glazed with confusion.  “Wh…?  What?”

“Do you hate me, Severus?”

“No…”  It came out slightly strangled.

She nodded.  “And I don’t hate you, and we were friends once, and….I just want to be here for you, just for awhile.  Why can’t you let me do that?  What could happen?  What is so horrible about that that you want me out of your house, and your life, and your…  What’s so horrible about that?”

Something changed behind his eyes, and she was reminded for just a moment of the boy she had met oh so many summers before, so afraid and yet so eager – so hopeful.  “N…nothing, I just…”

“Then come home with me.  Let me run you a bath, make you something to eat.  You need someone to think of these things right now, and I…Well, I miss you sometimes, and I…Please, Sev…”

He looked over at his bed and the bag she had packed.  “I can’t leave.  The medical examiner is supposed to call, and…”

“Did they give you a card?

His eyes returned to hers.  “A card?”

“A business card – with a phone number….”

“Oh yeah, I…”  He looked down and reached into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out a damp and rumpled card.  She held out her hand and he gave it to her without question.

“I’ll call their office and give them my number, tell them that you will be there the rest of the week.”

“You don’t have to do that.  I…I’ll do it.”

“Well then do it, and then come over to my house.  You are looking paler by the hour.  When was the last time you ate?”

He shook his head.  “I…I don’t remember.”

“Then it’s been too long.  Go call them and I will finish packing your bag.”

He flushed again and clutched the box in his hand close to his chest.

“I won’t go through anything else, I promise.  Besides,” she smiled weakly.  “I saw you in less than your underpants last night, and you didn’t seem so shy then.”

His eyes flickered away from hers, and he turned back to the dresser, stuffing the box back under the quilt and slamming the drawer, but she thought that she saw the corner of his mouth twitch a little just before he did.  It felt good to know she had managed to make him smile, even if only a little.